I'm Sorry, What Size is Plus Size?!

Forgive me genes, and jeans, for I have sinned. It has been 3 years since my last diet.

Let's get this out of the way - I don't consider myself fat. I prefer to go with curvy, if I must somehow label my figure. I am a pant size 8/10 (depending on which brand I end up wearing that day), and a shirt size of M or L, depending on how I want the fit. The one size that never changes? My shoes, bless those permanent size 8!   

So here's what got me mad... 

This morning on my way to work I was scrolling through Twitter and came across a post by a girl about her life as a plus size model. So far sounds good, right? Wait for it. You wanna know her 'plus' size? 10! 


I was sitting there on the bus actually thinking to myself - 'Am I plus size?'. Now believe you me, I am my own harshest critic. I will be the first to state what I don't like about my body, but never once did I think I was plus size. Today's society is so caught up on how a woman's body is supposed to look like that we all forget that beauty is an ever-changing conception, as much as you and I are organic beings. 60 years ago, I would never have had these thoughts of disappointment in my body. In myself. 

I hate that the media dictates to us who is beautiful, attractive, worthy, sexy, f*ckable, and stylish. They don't get that it only starts with the physical, and delves wayyyyyy deeper into our psyche. 

Here's a thought I had today: 'Am I single because I'm not thin?', that one's a reoccurring thought too. I've caught myself many a time thinking that if I only looked this way, or if only I weighed this much, I would have a significant other in my life, I would be happier; as if that would really make a difference. I made my body 100% of my self worth. Not proud of it. 

Every single day I wake up and judge myself raw. I'm working on being kinder, don't worry. 

Some days are better than others.

Most of the time I try not to think about it, I make a point to remind myself that I am successful. I'm a college graduate working in my chosen field and I love it dammit! I tell myself to focus on the things about me that I do like, like my hair and my eyes. To remember that I have amazing friends and family, that love me just the way I am. 

But all of that is clouded over by this one ever-present thought: I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. 

You best believe I'm having ice cream. 

I am healthy. I eat well, I try to be as active as I can with a desk job. I am considered within the normal weight range (BMI and all that jazz) and everything of mine still fits. However... society makes me think that that isn't good enough. That because my thighs touch, my stomach isn't flat, and my arms don't have muscle definition, I am not desirable. I bought into society. Try as I might to resist, today's version of beauty (which is in fact what I also believe to be the best looking - like I said, I drank the Kool-Aid) is what I strive for. 

So where do I go from here? No idea. I just wanted to put it all out in the open for the first time... probably ever. These are my thoughts about me, but not about you. I think there are many different types of beauty, I think that if you are overweight it doesn't mean you aren't gorgeous, or chic, or interesting, or worthy of every single thing that every other human being is worthy of. This rant is just about me. I know that there are others out there who feel the same about themselves. I know that there are girls out there who are what I would consider the definition of beauty who hate the way they look (which I find mind blowing). 

All in all, we are all beautiful. In a totally Christina Aguilera 'Beautiful' kinda way. 

I promise to try and give myself a break, as long as we all do that for one another too. I promise to try and love every single inch of my size 10 ass, my round tummy, my untoned arms, and even that cute little roll on my back. I promise to try. 

If you do too.    

If you're interested in knowing what I did to try and get a handle on the situation of negativity, it has a lot to do with this photo down here. Waking up every single day to those words. 

In the last couple of years, while trying to deal with, just, well, everything, I decided to seek guidance from a life coach. Now some of you may think it's total hogwash, but she really helped me. For a while anyway. The blame for regression is entirely mine, I neglected my practice of mindfulness and stopped reciting my affirmation, which I worded myself with her guidance.   

Throughout my session with her, ten in total, a lot of the weight (no pun intended) on this issue of self-worth and weight and the connection between the two, was lifted from when I practiced what my coach was preaching.

But as happens with all things over time, I finished my sessions and after a few months of life moving forward and old habits and thoughts came a creeping' again, I lost touch a bit. Well, a lot. 

But I get it now. I caught my years-long, overdrawn, negative thought and am actively trying to replace it with a good one. 

I plan on going back to the advice she gave me: 

  • Be mindful of where you are and how you are feeling and why

  • Make sure your inner monologue is nothing but kind; catch the negative thoughts the moment they come and replace them with a positive one

  • Rate your happiness daily, noting what made you happy that day

Call it cliché, call it total bullshit for all I care,  all I know is that when I made a point of focusing on the good, on me, controlling my thoughts and making a point to be as positive as I could possibly be... even if it was a 'fake it 'till you make it' situation, things got better. I felt better. 

* Side note: Amy Schumer is probably my favorite person in Hollywood right now. Throwing shade at those who expect her to conform to celebrity standards. Woman, one day. One day, I'll give no shits. Just. Like. You.